I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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