He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize