I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
