Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
