There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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