Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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