2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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