..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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