Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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