I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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