One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
