names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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