You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There r osticjed everywhere
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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