My nipple is on Facebook.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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