i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
