Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
