WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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