I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I got inside last night via doggy door
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
