The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
