I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It's just like the Real World with babies
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Randomize
