i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
