my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize