I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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