She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
