i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
