i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
