PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
