Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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