Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
