he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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