why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
