You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
