I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
