so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
