You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
