Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
