I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
