i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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