On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
