I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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