Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
