You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
