I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
