Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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