we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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