i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize