I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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