Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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