I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
