mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
