Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
