i already hear my dad disowning me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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