you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You were trust falling into bushes
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
