are you so shy because you have an std?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
