This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
