youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
