the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
