Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
