Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
