i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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