I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
